#46. Some Basic Features of Teaching Obedience
Discipling our children is not merely passing on the story of Jesus. We’re to lead our kids into living responsively to his words, obeying all that Jesus commanded. This takes more than a Bible story at bedtime and Sunday School once a week. Here are a few points:
-Don’t wait until you see an undesirable behaviour before you start thinking about obedience. Obedience training is far more about proactively pursuing what is good, than correcting what isn’t.
-Learn God’s standard on…everything. Read the Bible to know God and notice what he cares about. Start with God’s view of what’s good, not your own, or your child’s inclinations. Build your picture of godliness from God’s word, and let that be the guide for training your children. To start with studying the book of Proverbs is immensely helpful for attuning ourselves to the wisdom/folly, life/death concerns of raising children for God.
-As you abide in Jesus, pursue that biblical standard yourself. Training your child in obedience has to start from your position of being a saved person responding obediently to God.
-You’re not teaching your child to obey you because you want life to be more convenient, nor because you have an inflated view of your own importance. You’re teaching your child to obey you because God says parents must teach their own children to walk in his ways and its his way for children to obey their parents.
-See the connectedness between your child’s norms and the kind of mature godliness you are working towards. Don’t ignore the things that don’t make sense for a mature Christian.
-Every time we have a child who is taking themselves outside the good restraints we’ve given them, we have an opportunity to remind them of what’s real and true, that they do not own themselves, that God owns them, and he tells them to obey their mother and father.
-Our response to disobedience is meant to be a quick, micro, immediate reminder to our child that ignoring God is costly and painful. It is the road to ruin. We show them mercy when we pull them back from that highway and keep them in the generous bounds of goodness.
-Consequences for disobedience are necessary. Disobedience briefly costs them some comfort now, so they avoid devastating discomfort later.
-Whenever you don’t give a consequence for disobedience, you are teaching your child that they are free to live as their own god.
-Every time you do follow through on disobedience, you are showing your child that they, along with you, belong to the Lord who made them. You are ensuring their experience matches their Bible lesson.
-When you give consistent consequences for disobedience, the disobedience decreases (along with the need for such consequences). So well-measured, careful, godly obedience training makes the need for consequences fade into the background.
-once obedience is the norm, it only requires occasional “maintenance”.
-Our job is not just to give an instruction but to help our children follow it. We get beside them and show them how to do the obedience we are asking for. Once we’ve had a few times walking beside our toddler as they take their breakfast bowl to the sink, we then know they are capable of doing it. If you then tell your child to take their bowl to the sink, and they don’t, you’ll know that it is actually disobedience rather than merely human inexperience. When they are not obeying, if you know that you have taught them the mechanics of the task, you’ll be able to more accurately triage the situation.
-Show and practice the moves and script of obedience ahead of time, when conditions are calm and the child isn’t burning with some inordinate desire. Get them in the habit of a cheerful, “yes Mum!”.
-Make it clear when a child must obey or when you are merely making a suggestion they may reject.
-Don’t make a command a question. It’s a mildly manipulative, untruthful, non-committal, embarrassed handling of the authority God has deputed to you. You are muddying the waters, hindering their obedience. If you’re not sure you should be telling them to do a particular thing, then it’s better to hold off until you’re sure the situation warrants it. Don’t be bossy for the sake of it. Know why you’re doing what you’re doing, then stick to your convictions. Know the good you are trying to achieve and make sure it’s worth the effort. Because it is effort.
-When you do give an instruction, expect obedience. If your child doesn’t obey, then follow up on it immediately. The younger they are, the more immediate the consequence needs to be.
-If an instruction requires obedience, make sure your hands and attention are free to act quickly if the child doesn’t do what they’ve been told. (So, don’t try and teach your major obedience lessons in the supermarket. That’s the scene for testing, for exposing areas to work on, not for doing the work. But make sure you work on consistent obedience in calmer spaces, then you will have far fewer supermarket “scenes”).
-If you are not in a position to follow through on a requirement, then make sure your child is in a restrained situation. Don’t let your toddler run around the shopping centre if they don’t follow your instructions consistently at home. Use the stroller until they can be trusted not to sprint.
-Think ahead to avoid putting yourself and your child in a situation that will make it hard for them to obey. If you have been out and about all day and your infant has missed several hours worth of naps, then you’re putting some stumbling blocks in their way. Make these overwrought situations a rare occasion. If children are constantly overwrought through unpredictable routines, the only norm that will be learned is that obedience is an odd exception. Disobedience will dominate.
-Be calm when there is disobedience. Do whatever you have to, to be in a position to give consequences calmly. From the beginning, our children need to see that obedience is NOT about making mum happy. It isn’t something that should be emotive, nor fluctuate with our mood. There is a standard that Mum herself is subject to, an authority both child and parent are submitting to.
-Obedience has to have a sense that both parent and child are under God’s authority. Just as the child is not free to disobey, the parent is not free to ignore disobedience. As one under God’s authority, the parent is not free to deal with disobedience sinfully.
-Don’t give freedoms that aren’t on track with the maturity you are working towards. Don’t let your toddlers run around during church if you’re hoping they’ll one day grow to be attentive to God’s word among God’s people. Don’t give your infants an iPad if you’re hoping they will be an adult who is interested in the people and the world around them. Don’t let your five year old make deals to swap toys with the three year old if you’re hoping your kids will grow to use their strength and experience to serve rather than steal from others who have less.
-Don’t overload your child with instructions. Make sure you only require things that are worth following through on.
-Analyse your own “no”. Are you saying no because you love your child, you have a higher joy in view for them? Is this “no” a commitment to their good, or for your own convenience? Teaching our children to obey Jesus is not to be an arbitrary, self-serving use of our authority. Teaching our children to obey Jesus will cost us more than it costs them. That’s the way of gospel love.
-I have a formula, “Mummy told you to do x, you didn’t do it, so mummy needs to …” I say this aloud as much for myself as for the child. I am reminding myself that there are grounds for me to deal with a disobedience, as well as showing my child that these consequences aren’t arbitrary and random. There is a recognisable, reliable pattern.
-Most of our attention is better spent on managing situations so that we don’t end up turning our home into a police state. This means setting up a whole lot of things which the child is free to do. Unhelpful behaviour often happens when time and relationships are empty. It’s not the child’s job to fill this space, but a mothers and fathers. An interesting home, full of affection and connectedness gives fodder for more constructive interests to grow. Being constructively occupied, with a bank full of affection, makes a lot of disobedience redundant.
-Obedience is sweet when our children are learning to obey a mum who delights in them, who gives generously to them. Joy and good cheer makes doing good more appealing.
-Expect to have short seasons where you free up the calendar to stay home for a few days and give your full attention to being able to follow through when there is disobedience. Once the norm is re-established, the need for consequences becomes much less.
-Any lessons in obedience that are characterised by parental ungodliness is faulty obedience training.
-Obedience is the more joyful way, so should mark the way we teach it.
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