Inadequate Mothers {bonus}
No one is ever ready to be a parent. We grow into things as we have to. And we rarely feel like we’re doing it very well. This is true on every level; big and little, seen and unseen. We avoid thinking carefully about the duty of motherhood because we are already small fish in an ocean of inadequacy. Floating, not swimming. Why would we want to feel worse?
All parents are inadequate. We need to stop being shocked by it. Moreover, we are inadequate in multiple ways. We like to deflect the feeling of inadequacy, even if it means believing lies told by someone who couldn’t possibly know (cue you are enough/everyone is only ever always doing their best memes). We avoid situations where we feel inadequate.
Not dealing with our inadequacies is bad for us, bad for our families, and bad for the world. By trying to avoid discomfort we rob ourselves of something better than comfort. The solution to inadequacy is not to wallow, or to justify each other. We’ll talk more about the solution in article #5 on Friday.
Even though life isn’t lived in dot points, I’ve reduced some thoughts on inadequacy to them, in an effort to untangle knots. I’ve noticed a few types of parental inadequacy.
Situational Inadequacy: When factors outside of ourselves mean we cannot do everything we know to be good for our kids. We might have an ideal or a conviction which is circumstantially impossible. Some situations might include: living in the rubble of marriage breakdown; chronic or terminal illness; living in a society without freedom and stability; illiteracy. This is the inadequacy of being finite in a fallen world.
Inexperience: This is when we actually don’t know what the good way forward is. An example might be not knowing how to respond to a two year old’s tantrum. Or it could be feeling like we don’t know the Bible well enough to read it with our kids.
Sin: When we know the good thing we should do for our kids, and we could do it, but we choose not to. I suspect a list of examples would be distracting at this point. It can be neglect (leaving good undone), abdicating our role to others (outsourcing responsibilities which shouldn’t be left to a non-parent), abuse (harming children).
Of course, every single one of us is a complicated collection of inadequacies from each category. Often we use a situational limitation to excuse sin (I’m under so much stress that I couldn’t do x,y,z). Or inexperience (I didn't realise God actually tells me to teach my kids to obey) becomes sin (disobeying God’s call to bring up children in the training and instruction of the Lord). Or, I know that I am meant to train my kids to obey Jesus, but I am not doing it (disobedience), because I don’t know how (inexperience). So, yes, we don’t have a static package of inadequacies.
In the face of inadequacy perhaps we could:
Take one at a time. Think about one difficulty, not all of them simultaneously.
Name the inadequacy, instead of shrinking from it.
Ask: Is it a situational inadequacy which cannot be changed? If so:
Pray for wisdom to discern the particular limits and opportunities you are living in. All because we can’t do the good we hoped for doesn’t mean there is no good to be done.
Pray that God will show you what you can do, and to give you the heart to want to do it.
Remember that all things are in the Lord's hand and nothing can separate Jesus’ people from his love. Nothing.
His arm is not too short to achieve his good purposes: his glory and the eternal joy of his people with him. Christian, your situation is swept up in his Bigger Story and in Jesus, it will have a satisfying conclusion in the New Beginning. There will be no disappointments then.
Pray for God to bring about the unexpected. Ask him for wisdom. Ask him for help. Ask God what it means to glorify him in your situation. Ask God to bring about the joy he tells us to have in all things.
Don’t let this limitation be the passport to sitting easily with other things which can be matured.
Is it an inadequacy due to inexperience? If so:
Instead of hiding, learn the thing which you need to know. Ask for God’s help then start moving.
Note that parenting is a skill set to be learned and practised and expanded as our children grow. Following our instincts is a myth.
Find someone who does seem to know and ask them questions.
Be willing to live with the tension of growing into something new.
Look forward to coming to know, growing to be able to do something you couldn’t do before. Today’s struggle might not be tomorrow’s.
Is it an inadequacy borne from sin? If so:
Repent.
Be honest to God about it. 1 John 1:9
Forgiveness purchased by Jesus’ death means people actually get forgiven. We confess our sin and believe he was telling the truth when he says we are forgiven. Wallowing in shame after this is a way of saying we don’t believe God means what he says.
Being forgiven by Jesus means we have nothing left to prove. We stand welcomed by our Heavenly Father, covered in the perfection of Jesus, a garment which will not fall off.
Having nothing to prove means we can unselfconsciously get on with what we were saved for: obeying Jesus; living life in sync with what he says is good.
We are now free to pursue the good we have previously ignored or denied.
Remember we’ve got help. Christians, God’s Spirit lives in us to teach us to love what he loves, and to give us power to walk in new obedience. He teaches us to love doing the good which we used to abhor!
When we see the good, but still don’t love it:
Pray. Be honest about what’s missing. This is the humility God welcomes. He will not be shocked. Ask God for forgiveness and help.
Start obeying regardless of how you feel.
Trust the Lord will provide what you need as you need it, for what he would have you do. Look forward to seeing how he will provide.
Changed by God, getting on with the next good thing that Jesus would have us do in the particular situation he has us in, joy sneaks up (the sort of joy we’re scared of missing out on because of our inadequacies). Faced with the next inadequacy (situational, inexperience or sin), we get to work through the process all over again.
A growing parent will always be in the middle of this process about something. Inadequacies are many and various, always trading in and out. There will always be one to work through. Parental inadequacy is not a sign of parental failure, (unless we never deal with it).
Our goal is not self-adequacy. None of us, no matter how much we grow, are at risk of that! But we are growing deeper into Christ-dependent maturity. Our goal is joyful obedience to Jesus, and growing in our likeness to him; glorifying God and enjoying him forever, singing a Song our kids can sing with us.
God has no trace of inadequacy. He is Supremely Sufficient for us, our children and the universe. God’s pattern is to use the weak, ignorant, even those who oppose him to bring his purposes about. But how much more enjoyable to have God working using us, not despite us! 1 Corinthians 1:26-31
Jesus is Lord of our inadequacies. There are times when God causes us to hunger, so we will know he is the satisfaction of that need. Inadequacy is a gift which reminds us that we are dependent on our Heavenly Father. He is the Great Achiever here, it is a mercy when he prods us to remember it.
Being honest to God about inadequacy is not the same as glorying in mediocrity, laziness or selfishness. It’s possible to be frank about our own inadequacies without being miserable and joyless.
Our inadequacies are not the final definers of our parenting. More on that in the next article.
