#30. Better than a Playdate
The focal work of Christian motherhood is raising children to know what it means to abide in the Lord Jesus. As we have seen in John 15, abiding in Jesus can’t be separated from having his words abide in us. His word brings about obedience in us and part of that obedience is expressed in love for others who belong to Jesus. To have our Bible open with our kids everyday is an excellent thing, but if we do that in our own little family bubble and don’t have a meaningful relationship with a local gathering of God’s people—a local church—then we are training our children into a dissonance, a duality where we read the Bible but don’t obey what it plainly says. We’re taking a few articles to sketch out some things worth considering as we raise kids among God’s people.
The question of “how do we be a family in a local church?” is bigger than finding a church with a kids program. We’re to help our children learn to love all God’s people, not just their peers. Meaningful relationships in church—relationships where we’re obeying Jesus’ command to love one another—are different from a playdate. Because Jesus so closely identifies himself with his people, to despise them is to despise him, and to welcome the least of his saints is to welcome him. Yes, we’re meant to have a generic love for our neighbour, doing good to all, but responding in obedience to Jesus means having a special commitment to others who belong to him. Especially when they’re not our best mates. In Matthew 25:31-46, we read,
‘ “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’
“They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’
“He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
“Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.” ‘
We’re to reverence people who belong to Jesus, not because they are anything remarkable in themselves, not for what they can give us, not for what we have in common with them, but purely because they belong to our Lord. Jesus’ death brings unlikely folks together as we’re reconciled not only to God, but to each other (read Ephesians, especially chapter 2). We honour Jesus by giving his people an honoured place in our life. Raising children who know their place in the Jesus vine will mean teaching them to think highly of the local church.
There are two indispensable ways we obey Jesus’ command to love one another: gathered worship and everyday fellowship. Our children will learn the symbolic value of God’s people through our commitment to gathered worship—meeting with a particular local church consistently over time. When gathering with the saints takes backseat to a better offer, then our kids learn from our disordered affections. The lifestyle we choose teaches our kids which things give way to which (we go to church except when the surf is really good, or we’ve got a renovation deadline, or we’ve got a visitor who isn’t a Christian…). Corporate worship really matters. We’ll give more attention to that in another article.
Training our kids to esteem Jesus’ people will also happen apart from corporate worship, through everyday fellowship. If our kids’ experience of church is merely showing up to a service with a bunch of perpetual acquaintances, then they’ll miss the connectedness which Jesus brings about. The remedy for this superficial belonging is time shared apart from the formal gathering. Giving and receiving hospitality is at the heart of learning to love one another. It will mean actively relating with all kinds of people at church, not just the other families who have kids the same age as ours. It will mean giving and receiving hospitality with people who are in a different stage of life. It will mean accepting the lunch invitation from the older couple, even if our kids don’t like the idea of a house without toys. In churches where things are divided into sameness (because it is easier to organise), this can take some effort. But, if we are sharing time and table with all sorts of people, our kids will be learning that the Jesus vine holds all sorts of people and what’s involved in loving them.
Start inviting people into your home for a meal or afternoon tea, and your kids will soon have to come to terms with love in a new way. It’s harder to love someone in your own space, using your own stuff, using time you could be spending otherwise, than it is to say a vague greeting over weak, tepid cordial in the hall after the service. When we give time to someone who is not like ourselves, our children learn that Jesus’ command to “love one another” is more than just being nice to the people you would have played with anyway.
Often our hospitality invitations are governed by who our kids want to play with. Or we distribute our kids out to various friend’s houses after church so everyone can each enjoy their preferred people. Playing with friends is a good gift, but if we only welcome our friends, we’re missing the heart of the gospel. After all, in Jesus, God welcomes those who were once far off. His enemies are adopted into his family. The gospel closes distance between strangers. In Christian fellowship, we’re honouring and enjoying the nearness Jesus has brought about.
Prioritising our preferred people doesn’t help kids learn the ropes of selfless giving. It isn’t the kind of “love one another” which is distinctly Christian. Sticking with our friends in church coaches children to be consumers, to show favouritism towards the people from whom they can get something (James warns us against that). If it’s not the way we would want them to relate as adults in the church (cliquey, favouring, self-satisfying consumers), then we need to set different norms in their formative years. What we habitually do shapes who we become (that’s another thought from Miss Charlotte Mason).
Loving Jesus’ people will mean a deliberate choice to move towards meaningful connection with people who we might naturally have little to do with. Not all of these relationships will mature into great depth, but a demeanour of welcome, positioning ourselves to know (and to love with more insight), opens up possibilities which we miss out on when we stick only with our besties. If we involve our kids in this, then they are better positioned to learn how to welcome people unlike themselves.
While anyone can tell our children to love, parents are best positioned to show the inner workings of love. The inner workings which happen when a home and our hearts are being readied to welcome someone unfamiliar. Parents get to hear and work through the grumbling when a stranger is coming instead of the favourite friend. We can show how setting the table is something we’re doing for King Jesus, because he is bringing one of his precious servants to eat with us. We can make it normal to upgrade our playdates for fellowship, which is ultimately giving our kids more, not less.
My friend, Tim Adeney, has written a rather lengthy article on some of these things, The Church Less Gathered. It’s well worth your time. The length is matched by its worth.
If your family’s relationship with your local church is a bit scanty, you can start all over again! Pour out the whole issue before God in prayer. Confess your sin, lament the difficulties, look to Jesus as the payment for sin, believe God when he says it’s forgiven in Christ, ask for his help to obey. Then find a church which is abiding in Jesus’ words and go. Shame, regret, resentment and bitterness are bad, sickly company to keep. Hide yourself in Jesus and see what new life his sap works in you. What a precious gift to give your children: the example of profound repentance. In God’s grace, that might have just as much impact on your kids as the steady faithfulness might have.
